Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

I am almost done reading Mindy’s book Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). Yes, I just referred to Mindy like she’s my best friend (because I secretly wish I was that cool).  I have wanted to read her book for a while but just never found the chance to get to it. Well, the other day I was at Target and finally picked it up at 20% off (Sorry Mind but I just love a discount. I am sure you’ll understand). I have been a huge fan of Mindy since The Office days, and love love love the Mindy Project. It’s like my dirty little secret. I must also confess I was on the verge of tears when I heard the Mindy Project might not return for a 4th season. Anyway as much as I love her book (I really do! It has been a good source of comic relief through my ankle recovery and my boyfriend being and hour and a half away) this blog is not about it.

Failing at Everything: What happens when your best friend doesn’t approve of your romantic choices.

I have found myself in a rather odd predicament lately that I am not use to. I have been dating this amazing guy (we may even be throwing around the big L word!!!). Of course that is not my predicament.THE PROBLEM IS MY BEST FRIEND IS NOT DIGGING MY CHOICE TO DATE.

I get her concern for me. I know she does not want me to end up hurt or to compromise my standards, and I love her for it. However, there is a part of me that feels pushed away because of it. I don’t want to be the girl who stops hanging out with her friends because she is dating some guy. However, sometimes I feel like it’s really not my choice. It’s like everyone is hanging out without me.

How I Met Your Mother (It’s the big day!?!)

My life is a little chaotic at the moment

Not at all in a bad way

Rather, In a things are serious and I have no idea where I will be in two months way.

Let me explain!

I recently started dating this AMMAZZING guy!! Yes, you read that right. I am usually a really guarded person. I don’t let anyone get close to me. Well I broke all the rules with this relationship. Number one,  we just had a really strong connection..  so, we just  skipped over all the awkward get to know you stuff and got serious real quick.

Well BIG news!!

I am meeting his mom today. I am freaking out a little. I’ve never really worried about someone liking me. But I really want his mom to like me. Wish me luck!!

Back in Action <3

Hey there! So, as you can tell I have been out of commission for a few months. In late July, I started experiencing some concerning stomach issues. I found myself unable to keep food down. Every time I ate I would experience excruciating pain and end up vomiting. In the beginning of August I was diagnosed with gallstones and was informed that I needed surgery. On August 18th I had my gallbladder removed. It left me feeling much better, but not completely healed. I have been experiencing complications from the surgery. The excess bile that now leaks into my intestines has caused me to have loose bowels. Yay! <<<<Sarcasm. I have just started a powder regimen to hopefully help this complication.

Other than that, I turned 26!!! What the freak?!? I feel old.

I have become addicted to shabby chic decorations and furnishings.

I am the official Goodwill queen! I have developed a serious love for thrift shopping.

I started Graduate School!! Whoop Whoop! Future School Psychologist right here :]

I was informed I will need surgery to help relieve the ankle injury I suffered while at work in April. I have a rare injury to the talar dome and am waiting for an appointment with a specialist, because the specialist my workmens comp doc sent me to cannot do the surgery. Go figure!

Life is crazy and hectic. I really do not know how I can continue at the pace that I have. It is only by the Grace of God!!

Dear Fibro-

Dear Fibro-
I have news for you. You will not kill my dreams!

Update: I have now been on Effexor for 6 days. I have seen an improvement in pain. However, for the first 5 days I experienced awful side effects. #1 I could not sleep. I went the first 3 days with only 2 hours of sleep. I felt like I was on crack! #2 I had crazy hot flashes and chills. #3 I thought my heart was going to bat out of my chest. #4 I was insanely nauseous. #5 I was super dizzy.

So I ended up in he urgent care. They did not want me to stop it, because they think the benefits could outweigh the side effects. They said after my body adjusts that they might diminish. So, they are having me take it every other day. Once I hit a point where side effects are tolerable, I will tapper it up.

I am so glad they informed me I can still take my trazodone to sleep. I went home and took two of them….. and what do ya know? I actually got some sleep.

I currently spent today in the urgent care as well. I woke up this morning with my eye swollen shut, and my mole was super swollen as well. Come to find out, I have an abscess. I guess it is pretty serious. They gave me an injection of a super strong antibiotic and prescribed two antibiotics that I have to pick up tomorrow. In addition, I have to go back in Monday so they can check it. Then Wednesday I have to go to the ophthalmologist so they can check my eye in order to make sure the infection has not spread behind it. I have to return immediately if the swelling increases AT ALL…. because its a very dangerous area and can easily spread and cause serious complications. After all this, I have to see dermatologist and have the mole removed for a biopsy. It has changed in color and size. So, naturally they want to make sure it is not cancerous.

Lots of craziness!!!

Addicted

Thoughts run through my head
constantly nagging
never ending
thoughts,
they taunt me
threaten my sleep
steal my peace,
These thoughts
will they ever cease,
I cant shut it down
I cant find a way out
These secrets in my mind
these thoughts that consume
—————————————————–
Hi, Its me again
Just a little creative writing
A reflection of so many things
My mind is a mess right now
A reflection of my malfunctioning body
Today is day 3 of taking the generic of Effexor
It would be an understatement to say that I am a hot mess
First, tappering off Nortriptyline was an adventure
I hate feeling like my body is addicted
I experienced 2 days of “discontinuation syndrome”
It was horrid!!
Hot flashes, fever, irritability, fatigue, nausea
I am anxious about the Effexor
I have read nightmare stories about withdrawals
I hate that I have to take antidepressants for pain
When I go into the pharmacy, I hate the weight of their eyes
I want to scream its for fibromyalgia
But they don’t care to know

Updates

For the last 5 weeks I have been on nortriptyline. My rheumatologist thought it might help my fibromyalgia after the muscle relaxer failed. Last week I maxed out on the dosage with little relief. He is now tapering me off of it, and hopes Effexor will provide some relief.

I have not decided if I really want to take the Effexor. The list of side effects makes me anxious. Is it worth the try?

 

Dear Fibro,

Dear Fibro,

Thank you for strengthening my dependence on God.

Before you, I didn’t fully understand what it meant to be totally dependent on God. To be fully dependent is a beautiful concept, but it was foreign.

I thought I knew what it meant after leaving my family for 6 months to share your love to those in other countries. I thought because I willingly sacrificed myself  it somehow made me a PRO in the dependency department. Oh how Wrong I was!

I have been forced to trust you. I have been forced to find my strength in you! On days when I cannot move, I look to you! When life seems to big to live with a chronic illness. I rest in you!

In you I have found complete peace! Yes, some days my flesh tempts me to forget about your promises….. but By your Grace I live. By your Grace I breathe. By your Grace I wake up every morning. By your Grace I get out of bed. It is your Grace that keeps me!

 

 

 

Dear Fibro-

Disclaimer- This is my first of a blog series called “Dear Fibro”. Truthfully, It will probably be a messy series. 

After fighting with doctors for the last 5 months, I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Life is messy! I question my diagnosis daily. Fibromyalgia is messy! I went to doctors searching for a cure. I was searching for something to make me feel better. Almost a year ago, I was returning home form 6 months of traveling the world. Full of life! Full of passion! Complete and satisfied in Christ. Thankful for the Grace of God! Life feels completely different now. Everyday is a messy struggle with pain. A struggle most people do not understand! There is a war going on inside my body, and I have absolutely no control over it. I wake up reminding myself God is SOVEREIGN! I have to remind myself that despite my circumstances, he has a plan and will receive glory. It is the one of the few things that keeps me fighting.

The last 5 months of my life have been messy! Chaotic. Disheveled. On top of fibromyalgia my white blood count is high. I am under watch by a hematologist, and sometimes wonder what else could go wrong? However, I am not stupid enough to believe it. I know there are plenty of people with bigger problems than me. However, my world has been rocked. It has been shaken and turned upside down.

So,

DEAR FIBRO-

I HATE YOU!

I warned you,

this blog series wouldn’t be pretty. It’s real. It’s what I feel. On a good day, while sitting at Starbucks, I can’t think of anything else except- I hate you!

The fight for a diagnosis

Exhausted from going to the doctor almost every week for the last 2 months, visiting the urgent care at least 4 times, spending time in the hospital once, and getting countless blood draws. I started this week determined to get a diagnosis. I am tired of doctors just putting band-aides on something that is not getting better.

The pattern of fatigue and pain has set in again. So, Monday I talked to the school nurse where I work. She knows her stuff, and I trust her opinion more then my doctor. After just a short conversation, she said, “Patricia I really think you need to get tested for Lyme’s Disease, Lupus, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. With the insurance you have, you will have to get mean and demanding. I really think you have something auto immune going on.” She then gave me a lists of specific test I need to demand from my doctor.

I immediately emailed my doctor demanding she test me for these things, because I consulted with another medical professional. She didn’t question me, and sent orders into the lab. Now it is a waiting game. I have received one lab back. My ESR sed rate is high. SO, we know this indicates there is inflammation in my body.

Yesterday, my body was in so much pain and I was so exhausted. I immediately curled  up on the couch after work with a blanket and passed out. Some days are harder then others. Yesterday and today are some of those hard days. I am hoping that I can get a diagnosis, and get some sort of treatment started. My doctor acts sometimes like I am making all of this up. She does not realize how much this has taken a toll on me.

Oh! Just an update, my white blood count is up again, and the fevers are back. Oh Joy!

Image

Maybe it’s not sad

“Maybe it’s sad that these are now memories. And maybe it’s not sad.” -Perks Of Being A Wallflower

This week has been hard. Over the last few weeks, I thought I had been doing good. I’ve had more energy. I am not feeling as depressed and anxious. I got excited at the thought that I could tell my Dr. on Monday that I am getting better. Then BAAM! Hello this week! For those who don’t know, I spent six months last year out of the country. I came home in July, and it has been a struggle ever since. I’ve really battled with readjustment, and the fact that everyone’s lives were in such different places. It felt as if I didn’t fit into my world anymore. My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety in September, and told me that they think I’m just having a hard time coming home. Well fast forward to today. I am still struggling. Some days and weeks are better than others, but it is still there.

My biggest problem at the moment is that I have to make a really big decision. I won’t go into exact details, but I feel like I need to let a part of my life go. It has been one of the biggest parts of my life for the last 5 or so years. The quote in the beginning of this blog stated exactly how I feel at the moment.

I feel sad and not sad at the same time. I am sad that all of the things that once were are just memories now. However, there’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s not so sad. We can never go back to those moments, and if I could would I?? I don’t know if I would. I have so much going through my head right now.